she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she smelled like a LAN party
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
