You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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