Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
