I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
