the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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