my phone needs a breathalizer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
