Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
soo... how was my night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
