she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
