do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
