thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
