don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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