K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
