I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize