Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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