possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
