2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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