I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
