I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
