He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
