My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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