After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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