I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize