God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
