Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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