I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize