seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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