Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
