I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
