I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize