I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
