Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What drink are we having for lunch?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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