Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize