Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
How does one acquire holy water?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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