Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
