Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
