All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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