We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
