If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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