i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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