Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
