You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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