the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
