I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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