forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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