I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
