Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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