whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
