Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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