i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
