i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
