you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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