i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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