i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize