No stitches, just platelets and will power
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
