I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize