I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
