The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
