Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
