I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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