Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
